Survivors Guilt

What is ‘Survivors Guilt’ and how does it affect us?

In July I lost my 40 year old brother to cancer. He’d battled so bravely for 3 years but deep down I knew that ‘that day’ would come. I was calm, too calm looking back but I’m emotionally strong and was convinced I could cope. Yes, I knew I’d be sad, heart broken even but that I’d get through it. I’m used to being the strong one, so….

I spoke at his funeral. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’m used to speaking in front of people but this, oh my goodness. I froze and almost didn’t manage but some how I did it!

After the funeral I had this overwhelming urge to run. I needed to be back in my flat, alone. I felt vulnerable and scared but I have no idea why.

Some days were fine. Some weren’t. Little things would trigger an unimaginable pain, an all consuming feeling of grief and disbelief at the very real notion that I would never see Damion again. Ever!

One particular episode, I was literally insane with grief. I was in self destruct mode. I wanted everyone that I care about to hate me, to see how completely unworthy I was of still being alive. You see, Damion had everything to live for; a beautiful wife, 3 beautiful little girls, a beautiful home and most importantly of all he was a good hearted and decent human being. I truly believed everyone in my family wished it had been me instead. I said some wicked and very insane things to people I love and care about. To be perfectly honest, I would have swapped places with him in a heartbeat.

I decided it was time to stop being stubborn, stop being the “I don’t need anyone” type and seek some help. So I did and this is what I learned:

Survivor’s guilt can be a serious threat to mental health, and it is frequently seen to be a precursor to more common mental health issues, such as anxiety, depression, and addiction. Okay, so far, that’s not rocket science. I knew that.

A lot of people who suffer from survivor’s guilt see letting go of the feeling of responsibility as being dishonorable or lying to themselves – this is not true. This is not a means of deflecting blame, but simply a means of coming to terms with the situation at hand and rationally assigning responsibility. Easier said than done!

I have questions:

Guilt is a horrible feeling to have; there is no doubt about that. However, is it true that those suffering from survivor’s guilt are using this guilt as a coping mechanism so that they don’t have to deal with the true emotions that they have buried deep down in their minds?

Are we unintentionally finding that dealing with the guilt is easier than accepting the loss that we have experienced and coming to terms with the sadness that comes with it?

How do we learn to recognise that are people that are happy we’re still alive?

If we were to delve into the deeper psychology behind survivor’s guilt (and guilt in general), I think we would find substantial evidence that points toward one thing – it is selfish. Now this is not an attempt to make anyone feel bad about their guilt but instead an attempt to help us realise that guilt is simply primarily about ourselves. What about the people in our lives?

There is at least one person that is happy that we are still here.

There are people in our lives that depend on us, that love us. We need to live for them.

The negative repercussions of survivor’s guilt; the anxiety, depression, addiction, and other mental issues that it can lead to, can destroy our lives and also the lives of those around us. Seeking out help, whether professionally like I did or by talking to a trusted friend, does not mean that we are trying to absolve ourselves of our self-imposed burdens. First and foremost, it simply means that we are trying to regain control of our lives for the sake of our mental health and the betterment of the lives of friends, family, and loved ones.

I’m truly ashamed of the way I behaved a couple of weeks ago. I’ve apologised to everyone and I’m so fortunate that they get it! They know me and they know the things I said were completely out of character. I don’t need to feel ashamed but I still do and I’m working on that.

My last word is;

If you are a survivor, then let your life have enough meaning for yourself and for those who didn’t make it.